May 22, 2008 – Associated Press.
Terror shook the tiny seaside town of Wellfleet Massachusetts as three aircraft carriers, believed to be owned by the singer Bono, opened fire on the area earlier this morning. While the situation appeared to be resolved within minutes, video footage taken by a local fisherman showed images of Bono swimming through the debris with a machete in his mouth. Upon reaching the shore, he could be seen attacking beachgoers, eating seaweed for nutrients, and making sand castles. Two horse-grade tranquilizers were used to temporarily sedate him.
In recent years, Bono’s specter had been increasingly felt at UN events - often to the dismay of its members.
“It sort of irked me when we’d be at a function, and I would see him over there eating those little hot dogs with Kofi Annan - the two of them giggling like little school girls” stated Stephen Harper, the Prime Minister of Canada. “Kofi’s always whining about how he wished he had more time to play on his guitar and Bono used that to get certain items attached to international regulations. Like when we passed the Dangerous Goods and Special Cargoes regulation, but we all had to go on the field trip to Dublin to visit Bono’s parents.”
“And another thing - everyone’s always wearing headsets, supposedly to translate the speaker, but I know that the Estonian representative, what’s his face, is listening to The Joshua Tree.”
“Then, I’m at home asleep, and I get a call at 2:30 in the morning from Boutros Boutros-Ghali, drunk and bragging about how great it was to be in the front row at that night’s U2 concert, and I’m like ‘come on Boutros, we’ve got that big genocide convention tomorrow, you can’t keep on calling me. But he just calls back 15 minutes later saying ‘but you should have heard With or Without You.’”
“Also, I don’t know if you’ve heard some of the B-sides of ‘How to Dismantle and Atomic Bomb’ but it’s all very technical – uncompressing the plutonium core, altering the high explosive lenses…I think you can get it on itunes.”
“This should put an end to all that talk of changing our name to U2N…for at least a little while.”
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