BREAKING NEWS: Devendra Banhart's Beard and Mustache are fakes!!!

Indie favorite, Devendra Banhart, has let slip a long-time secret: his facial hair isn't his own. The singer/songwriter accidentally revealed his well-kept secret in a soon-to-be published interview for Rolling Stone magazine, when the interviewer saw part of his beard peeling on the side during a line of questions and tried to dig deeper.

"Devendra, can you close your eyes for minute?...What color is your beard and mustache?"

Stumbling around for a moment, Banhart answered:

"Blonde?"

Upon opening his eyes, Banhart realized the jig was up and fled the scene. Authorities indicated that Banhart hasn't been seen since the interview and has been missing for 3 days. If Mitchfork fans have any leads, we ask that you write to us immediately.

Upset with U.S. Involvement Overseas, Bono attacks America.

May 22, 2008 – Associated Press.

Terror shook the tiny seaside town of Wellfleet Massachusetts as three aircraft carriers, believed to be owned by the singer Bono, opened fire on the area earlier this morning. While the situation appeared to be resolved within minutes, video footage taken by a local fisherman showed images of Bono swimming through the debris with a machete in his mouth. Upon reaching the shore, he could be seen attacking beachgoers, eating seaweed for nutrients, and making sand castles. Two horse-grade tranquilizers were used to temporarily sedate him.

In recent years, Bono’s specter had been increasingly felt at UN events - often to the dismay of its members.

“It sort of irked me when we’d be at a function, and I would see him over there eating those little hot dogs with Kofi Annan - the two of them giggling like little school girls” stated Stephen Harper, the Prime Minister of Canada. “Kofi’s always whining about how he wished he had more time to play on his guitar and Bono used that to get certain items attached to international regulations. Like when we passed the Dangerous Goods and Special Cargoes regulation, but we all had to go on the field trip to Dublin to visit Bono’s parents.”

“And another thing - everyone’s always wearing headsets, supposedly to translate the speaker, but I know that the Estonian representative, what’s his face, is listening to The Joshua Tree.”

“Then, I’m at home asleep, and I get a call at 2:30 in the morning from Boutros Boutros-Ghali, drunk and bragging about how great it was to be in the front row at that night’s U2 concert, and I’m like ‘come on Boutros, we’ve got that big genocide convention tomorrow, you can’t keep on calling me. But he just calls back 15 minutes later saying ‘but you should have heard With or Without You.’”

“Also, I don’t know if you’ve heard some of the B-sides of ‘How to Dismantle and Atomic Bomb’ but it’s all very technical – uncompressing the plutonium core, altering the high explosive lenses…I think you can get it on itunes.”

“This should put an end to all that talk of changing our name to U2N…for at least a little while.”

Review: some classical cd i got for free

it's rumored to start getting warmer, and summer approaches. mitchforkmedia decided to revisit a classic album appropriate for the season. whether it was a clerical error or a fundamental failure in english comprehension is irrelevant- rather than classic, we got classical.

though they failed to sign the prestigious deutsche grammophone label on this album, the performers collectively were okay to listen to. superstars sir neville marriner and andras schiff make notable contributions, but missteps by overly anxious i musici and helmut walca kept things from getting past penultimate. tighter on the sixteenth note runs, pepe!

bach is immensly challenging material to play and a dramatic interpretation most certainly leads to a disasterous resolution. the other way- straight interpretation is the master's approach, but imitator's tend to sound extremely boring. the sheer amount of repetition and chord progression duped early readers into thinking the music was merely warmup material, but some of the tracks on this cd make an honest effort towards revealing bach's surprising originality... none of this matters when youre at the barbeque trying to hit on that chick in the red tanktop. it probably will end in rejection, but the pseudo-sophistication of baroque music may mislead her into thinking that there's more to you than the beercan imprint on your forehead, woven tribal braclet on your wrist, and stupid thoughts in your head. nonetheless, from an exceedingly tacky series of alliteration-based classical cd's (vivaldi for valentines?), this one's sort of a keeper.

so when the playlist gets old and you're looking for something fresh, stand out from the crowd of sheep playing deathcab, m83, mmouse, and put on the father of fugue. doubt that the ladies will love it? bach had 20 children. fuguetaboudit!

3.9/10



actually, don't put on the bach. crappy electronic pop will do.

Radiohead fans left in the cold, wet, find refuge at local hippy festival.

It wasn’t a pretty scene in rain-soaked Virginia on May 11th, at the Nissan Pavillion. Flooded roads and traffic kept many Radiohead fans from seeing their favorite band earlier this week, after a strong weather system moved through the area. Fans wrote to Mitchfork:

“… management of the situation was terrible, we were asked to just wait it out. I ended up driving around in circles for a bit, but it was clear we weren’t going to get in.”

Another irate fan added:

“This is a complete farce. Radiohead comes around once in a blue moon, and its absurd that they couldn’t get the road situation cleared for us. I’m going to demand a full refund.”

Other fans, however dismayed, were able to still make the best of the situation. One fan wrote:

“it sucked, I cant believe we had to turn back after driving all that way. My girlfriend and I were so psyched to see Jonny Greenwood and Thom, live, for the first time. It was a real disappointment and our spirits were quite low….but after about 15 minutes of driving back we passed a narrow dirt road and a sign for another concert, so we decided to stop and check it out. We figured we’d come all this way, we should at least get to see some live music. Turns out there was a Phish tribute concert going on, and there were already droves of people there. The great part is that parking wasn’t even an issue- you could park anywhere on this large field. We couldn’t believe our luck. I mean sure, we weren’t listening to ‘Bodysnatchers’ or ‘Paranoid Android,’ but the crowd was awesome! People were loving it out there, despite the rain and lightning- it was infectious.”

The fan continued:

“One girl was having such a good time, she didn’t even mind when she fell into a huge mud pile. She just got right back up and started doing the wet noodle again.”

When asked if he’d return to the show, the fan commented:

“Even though we’d never really listened to Phish until that festival, the atmosphere was just so welcoming and inclusive, it was hard not to have a great time. The best part was that it went on for several days! When’s the last time you heard of Radiohead playing for 3 days without a break? We’ll definitely be back next year.”

http://www.odeo.net/pix/2004pix/bonnaroo/29.jpg

LIVE MUSIC YAY

Concert Date: May 12, 2008

Concert Bands: Cut Copy, Black Kids, Mobius Band

Concert Place: Paradise, Allston MA


Mitchfork attended a concert the other night with Von Hann, prized friend of all things Mitchfork. This is our running commentary on what transpired.


8:22 P.M. Eastern Standard Time- My butt really itches. But if I itch it someone behind me will see right? I itch it anyway and see that there's no one behind me except the bartender. I smile at her because she has big boobs. Mobius Band is playing Hallie in the background. It sounds sunny and joyful. I start bobbing my head.

8:35 P.M. - People are showing up! Mobius Band is almost done and me and Von have been doing a lot of head bobbing. These guys use some electronic noise machines and it sounds funny. I wonder if the other bands will use electronic noise machines too.

9:17 P.M. - Mobius Band is gone! Where did they go?! Doesn't matter, because Black Kids are playing! They're fun and young and hip. Not that black, but Von and I have never really been interested in black culture so that's fine. The girls wear funny clothes and sing like a pack of yelpy dogs but it works. We do more head bobbing and shuffle our feet a little.

9:41 P.M. - I am worried about the lead singer of the Black Kids. He seems to sing just fine and has big fro hair, but when he talks to the crowd he sounds like he might have asthma. He must be saving all of his breath for the singing! A noble man and a true Black Kid.

9:59 P.M. - I left Von Hann to hold his spot and am peeing. Thank goodness for all the people peeing around me. Some people are shy peeing in front of other people, but i pee best when near strangers. I say to the person next to me that I hope the asthmatic Black Kid is recovering well. He doesn't respond. Must be pee shy.

10:16 P.M. - Time for Cut Copy! They come out and things get catchy. Really catchy. There are also more lights now. We're all jumping around and singing the gibberish words that compose the language of the Australians. I'll never understand how their country has succeeded like it has.

10:28 P.M. - A group of kids lights up a marijuana cigarette in front of me. I signal security and they are escorted out. Don't thank me, just doing my job.

10:46 P.M.- Somehow, some way, Cut Copy have become even more catchy. Von Han is jerking about like my uncle Gerald's dog Jezebelle when she caught rabies. I hope I don't have to kill him.

11:01 P.M.- I can't stop jumping for joy. The music of Cut Copy is more beautiful then I could ever have imagined. My toes are twinkling and my eyes are sprinkling. They sing of hearts, fire, lights and music. The four elements.

11:14 P.M. - The final note is played and the lights dim. We wave goodbye to Cut Copy as they exit the stage, leaving the scene of a stunning display of auditory excellence. Afterwards, as I sit on the men's toilet relieving my bowels, I ponder the significance of music in life. Is a great concert just a passing thrill that sets our blood ablaze, or does it bring about a profound adjustment as to how we view the world around us? I'll say this: as me and Von Hann drove home that night, I saw everything In Ghost Colours.

Buy it. In Ghost Colours. From Cut Copy. It's fantastic and so are they.

Until the next time!

ask tang: harder, better, faster, stronger, more accurate pitch control

dear tang,

i’m busy these days and haven’t been able to keep up with the music scene. i used to be into some u2, early coldplay, etc. and before that, the emo, grunge, world, etc…. anyway i’m looking to get back into it all and was wondering if you had any suggestions to get me started and getting some ‘street cred’ with the “indie” music. :D thanks!

-clueless dude

dear cd,

your music collection sounds awful. it might help to discuss who's coming up in the scene, talk about a few pre-subpop, pre-release studio bootleg tracks, but let’s not. the antiquity of your musical collection is like raving about how great guinness goes with vicodin- extremely 7^th grade. i suggest you raise your cred with the equipment. forget about the bands, what's the point with those passe white earbuds? quit your subscription to emusic and your dental plan and put that cash into a pair stax cans with bellari amp, preamp, and independent power supply. it's so obvious i don’t understand why everyone isnt doing it- can be displayed prominently, entirely impractical on several levels, tons of jargon and acronyms, and your commitment to hear music ‘as it was meant to be heard’ is beyond reproach. the hipster rolex. money to spend on hairplugs or a pair of mahogany grado headphones? once you put those enormous hand-crafted drivers on your ears and hear all the timbre and midrange of black flag’s damaged you'll be able to rave about how great your rig is and how everyone isn't even listening to the same music as you. plus the padded leather headband mod will cover the bald spot and accent the horseshoe hair pattern that terminates into a ponytail. whether or not your music is sub par, anyone listening to your tunes will be too distracted over the expansive soundstage and hearing the guitarist’s fingers sliding on the strings to call you out on your potentially extremely lame playlist. as long as you can hear every signal in balanced, detailed, crisp, warm, responsive clarity. beautiful.

very respectfully,
tang

questions? ask tang! asktang.mitchfork@gmail.com

REVIEW: Remastered Soundtrack for TRON

It’s no secret that indie music is leaning more heavily on electronic instruments these days. In fact, it’s difficult to find any album these days that doesn’t have at least one song that highlights an electro-pop chorus, or looped synth-beat mixed into the track’s background.

That’s why we at Mitchfork were intrigued when we received an advanced copy of the remastered soundtrack to the 1982 movie TRON, the album that started it all. With improved track equalization and an amplified bass mixdown, the remastered version of TRON’s soundtrack manages to build a bolder soundscape and eliminates most of the distortions that plagued the original album. What isn’t lost on the remastered version, however, is the sense of suspense that infuses the soundtrack from beginning to end. The airy feel of the album still remains, along with eerie samples of virtual ‘light bikes’ whizzing by in the background. TRON’s remastered soundtrack holds its audience captive for the full 78 minutes and 39 seconds, running the full gamut with both adrenaline pumping highpoints and even a few slower sections that mostly serve as welcomed reprieve- a chance for listeners to catch their breath and reflect.

Truth be told, the most important feature of the remastered version isn’t the improved sound quality, it’s that the listener is made aware of how prophetic TRON was back in 1982. Its message of a world soon-to-be more integrated with virtual existence has come to fruition with startling accuracy. The internet (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skynet_(Terminator)) , virtual flight simulators (http://pressthebuttons.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/pilotwings.png) , and fully functioning humanoid robots (http://www.pal-robotics.com/media.html) are now so commonplace in our lives that its hard not to recognize TRON’s creators as what they were- astounding visionaries.

Review: 7.7

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3ODe9mqoDE

Exclusive Excerpt

The following is an exclusive excerpt from Robert Nastanovich Sr.'s most recent work “The Kaiser's Musikorps of the Great War: 1914-1918”.

I was 22 and fighting those bastards in Germany. One day near Munich, I accidentally swallowed most of a cyanide pill, fell asleep in a puddle, and woke with a particularly egregious case of trench-foot. While I’d done my best to hide it, a misstep in an impromptu Infantry Hop-scotch game later in the day revealed the damage. Due to a shortage of funds, I was put in a run-down hospital in eastern Bavaria. One morning I overheard a most horrid noise in the air.

“Doctor,” I asked “are these sounds coming from the psych ward?”

He shook his head, “nein”

“Nine what?” I asked.

He didn’t say. And somehow I sensed I would never truly know what he meant by that.

Craning my neck, I peered out the window on the courtyard below. There I observed three gypsies; one with a lute, one using a small branch to tap on an empty milk carton, the other with the ribcage of some mighty beast. I wondered if the Spanish flu had jumped borders and found its way to these poor chaps, turning their brains to mush.

“Doctor,” I said “I feel a great pity for these men. Are they refugees? Prisoners of war? Circus folk?”

My mind wandered back to the swirling ankle-length dresses in the jazz halls and brothels I used to frequent in America; to the nights where it seemed like the jugs of giggle-water were bottomless...

Review: Local Hobo Performs on Tin Cans near Metro Station, Cambridge, MA

It’s not everyday you come across something original. Let’s face it, most indie music out there today is just a rip off from something Pavement did many years back. Think about it: You’re sitting there at work listening to the most recent No Age album or (insert some other nascent indie band name that will be forgotten in 3 weeks time) mp3 to hit the interweb, you’re rocking out, and some L.L. Bean-clad doofus coworker walks by your cubicle and says “hey, isn’t that a Stephen Malkmus riff?” You’re pissed, you send him away, telling him flannel shirts are on sale on Bean’s website, but after a few minutes of contemplating his comment, you realize it’s true. 99.5% of all indie music is derivative from Pavement.

Well not anymore.

Walking home from my local tea shop today, macbook in hand, I heard a stunning performance by Larry, the neighborhood can-collector. His instruments were painfully rudimentary- discarded Campbell soup containers, old soda bottles, a used oil drum, and a mangled tire iron- but Larry proved his mastery of melody and rhythm with renditions of songs such as ‘I’ve been working on the railroad’ and “99 bottles of beer on the wall.” Hipsters abound might be unimpressed with Larry’s song selection, that is until they hear the following: Larry played these songs in 5/4…with his feet.

Blown away? I was.

After a jaw-dropping remake of Big Punisher’s “Still Not a Player,” Larry finally transitioned into a moving original piece: a kazoo-laden ballad about his pet squirrel getting the kibosh during a hobo-knife fight gone terribly wrong. With rambling lyrics, Larry’s vocals hit the highs, the lows, and everything in between during the 7 minute heart-wrenching song, and all the while, his attention to tempo and bass (which he manipulated with a tennis ball in the oil drum) was unfaltering. Larry had finally found that lo-fi sound that Pavement could never touch, not even on their utmost hits.

REVIEW: 9.2 (*please note that Pavement didn’t even score this high)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOEOn3fng9U

http://www.manchester.edu/Academics/Departments/physics/images/kazoo2.gif

Correction

It has come to the attention of Mitchfork that the album (Narrow Stairs) featured in our latest installment of "Pre-Emptive Pounces" was lacking an exact number score.

We at Mitchfork believe that everything should be rated in exact number scores. It makes life easier. In fact, Mitchfork rated itself a 4.2 not too long ago. This was meant to be a scathing critique of an acid jazz review which refused to stay true to the spirit of acid jazz reviews. Safe to say, problem solved.

So it is with mild embarassment that we realized we had forgotten to numerically define our latest album of note. Apologies, and without further ado we bring you the grade for Narrow Stairs.

REVIEW: 5.8

(In explanation of any seeming discrepancies between this number grade and our rather overwhelmingly positive review, Mitchfork offers no clarification save for the acknowledgment that we were less that pleased with the next ten seconds of "I Will Possess Your Heart". Very. Fucking. Derivative.)